A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
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Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.