Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
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If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Confused owl: What?!
Practicing safe sax
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Autocarrot sucks!
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.