What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
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Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
being a writer on Twitter:
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk