Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
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Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That鈥檚 good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you鈥檒l never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we鈥檝e located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don鈥檛 forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he鈥檚 singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 馃様
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
i鈥檓 such an introvert i don鈥檛 even talk to myself
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you鈥檝e got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 馃き
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.