*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
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THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Mornin
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them