Not all heroes wear capes…
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People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”