My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
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A dad and his duck
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL