ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
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a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero