In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
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“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha