genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
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[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
He a real one for that
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer