Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
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Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Me too, bag. Me too….
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?