Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
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The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog