Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
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Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.