Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
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Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?