Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
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[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics