Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
You Might Also Like
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.