Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
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If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo