If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
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I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
pelicons
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.