her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
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Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
opening twitter today
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Would you wear it?
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.