[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
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I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
I’m Sold!
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.