Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
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My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?