Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.

*me to my dog.

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.

<—- homeless romantic

ATMs should have breathalyzers

[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s

‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

What an awful time to have common sense.

you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.

hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’

But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’

So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit

Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup

[Infomercial for Parachutes]

“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight

[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]

Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

Me: Are you done cleaning?

7-year-old: No.

Me: So what should you be doing?

7: Hiding.

She cleans like me.

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

when you don’t want to be too vague

October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.

I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.

true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while