call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
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HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Terribly Tuesday.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.