My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
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no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
I forgot how to panic. Help
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.