I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
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My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
what
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this