I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
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I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
plums roundup
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Love it! 👍😂
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house