Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
You Might Also Like
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Lmaoo 😂
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.