“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
You Might Also Like
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
accurate
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”