I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
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*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
I like crazy people until they notice me
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*