I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
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Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
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Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.