My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
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Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Human are so complicated
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
🏙👨🏼
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.