If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
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growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.