I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
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My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.