My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
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therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.