Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
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why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
beware of dog
(jukin media)
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.