Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
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Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
💯😂
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
My dating profile:
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown