I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
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Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.