Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
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a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
A man of commitment.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat