My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
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Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.