I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
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Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly