My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
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Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]