My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
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Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
What?!?
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
My beach vacation Google searches
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.