Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
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Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.