I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
You Might Also Like
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call