Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
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INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Me recordaron éste meme
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart