Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
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‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.