*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
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When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”