Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
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Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.