Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
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My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people