Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
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Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*