Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
You Might Also Like
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.