Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
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My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”