This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
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Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
spot the difference
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
🔦🌙👣
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
turning my gender off to conserve energy
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.