I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
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GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Message from the dog groomers
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME