i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
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I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it